Monday 1 April 2019

My first Mother's Day without my mum

As I'm writing this, it's currently Mothering Sunday in the UK. It's also my first Mother's Day without my mum. 7 weeks ago my mum passed away in hospital after a long illness and to be honest it still doesn't feel real. She was in hospital for long stretches over the past two years and so most of the time it just feels like she's still there and I'll be visiting her in a few days. Then something will happen such as seeing a movie trailer that I think she'd like or our favourite football team winning a match and then realising that I won't be able to talk to her about it and then reality just comes flooding back.

The run up to Mother's Day has been weird to say the least. Everywhere you look there's adverts on the tv, cards in the shops and then constantly being reminded when it is and how long you have left to get her a gift. There's a numbness everytime I see something with the words 'Mother's Day' on them as it's a constant and devastating reminder that I no longer have a mother to celebrate with. I can't help but blame companies for this even though deep down I know it's not their fault, but it still feels like a personal attack towards me. I appreciate all those companies that do make the effort though, those ones that let you opt out of Mother's Day emails so you don't have to think about it more then you have to.       

What's making this Mother's Day even harder is that I'm currently at university in Manchester without the support of my family to get me through the day. We wanted to do something to honour our mum but with me not being at home we've had to instead choose to honour her on her birthday in May.  

Most of the time I think i'm coping but honestly I still can't believe that she's not here anymore. I hate it, i hate it more then anything. I'm constantly thinking about those memories i'll never get to have with her. I never got to introduce her to a boyfriend. I never got her to teach me how to make her lemon drizzle cake. I never asked her about her childhood enough. I hate that she won't see me graduate university or get married or meet her future grandchildren. It all just seems so unfair that I'm 22 years old and now have to muddle my way through life without her. I always said that I'd rather have my mum by my side when i'm giving birth then my partner as I know she'd know just what to say to get me through it.

I know that eventually it will get better and I won't feel like this forever. I'll look at photos and only want to smile instead of cry. I'll be able to move on whilst knowing that she's still a part of me and that gives me great comfort. Mother's Day will always be a difficult time but it will also be a reminder that I was lucky enough to have had a loving, brave and wonderful mother for 22 years which is more then some people ever get and for that I'm forever grateful.

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